Happiness (like love) is a choice!
I remember being asked years ago by the facilitator at a personal growth seminar, “would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?” I find that question to be as pertinent today as it was back then because I still want to be right at times, even when it might unconsciously hurt a relationship.
I find it really sad to see how divided we are on certain issues in North America. The sadness isn’t over different viewpoints; it’s over the alienation, judgment, and violence that is happening as a result of people choosing to be right rather than to accept and really understand others who have a different opinion.
Mingled in with this divisiveness is incredible anger when certain subjects are talked about and as a result, families are being divided and broken up. People are entrenched in their various viewpoints and concepts to the point where they’re willing to alienate themselves from their family members. Parents aren’t talking to kids, kids aren’t talking to parents, and it’s so sad. I think this anger and division is a sign that something is wrong with the soul of our society. We’re placing our opinions above our relationships with our loved ones often vilifying and demonizing people who don’t agree with us.
I am reminded of scripture and the approach that Christian monks used to take, and maybe still do. They would regularly read from the Psalms, Ecclesiastes, and something from the New Testament. At first, it kind of stumped me as to why they would read Ecclesiastes, but now I think I get it. It helped them to let go of their attachments by hearing over and over again that nearly everything is “vain,” “futile,” and “meaningless” as it says in the book of Ecclesiastes. Contemplating this would help them get to a place where the only thing that mattered was respect and trust in the God of their understanding.
Now skip ahead to the Love Chapter (1 Corinthians 13) where Paul mentions a whole bunch of different things like speaking in tongues, prophesying, and giving all of our possessions to the poor, and then says none of these are important compared to one thing: love.
Before you do anything consider what Love would do!
Something that has been helpful to me in regards to wanting to be right all the time and trying to prove other people wrong, is the realization that my values and beliefs are constantly changing as I grow. I find that if my growth stagnates and I stop surrendering to Love, then right and wrong and the energy that comes from it for some reason becomes more important than unselfishly being of service to others.
Practice
Do you have any pet doctrines, concepts, or beliefs that you are attached to, to the point where it is damaging your relationships with your loved ones and yourself?
Is everyone welcome at your table?
Do you have friends from other religions, races, sexual orientations, and socio-economic classes?
Now, to be clear, choosing to manage our moods and resist unpleasant feelings isn’t the way to be happy either. There is actually tremendous freedom available when we stop doing that! I always get nervous when I hear people trying to manage their feelings and addictions. On top of that, it’s become a sign to me that I am heading down a path that is only going to make matters worse when I get in management mode.
That said, one way to be happy is through the acceptance and simple awareness of our feelings when they surface and not labeling them good or bad. Feelings just are. Obviously, there is a lot more we can do to be happy, volumes have been written about it, but the first step, and often a freeing step, is to simply accept our thoughts and feelings and not try to control or change them.
Quotes
“For someone who is emotionally attached to the need to be right, all divergent perspectives, ideas, suggestions, and actions must be “wrong.” The need to be right convinces [them] of the correctness of [their] approach, while attachment to this end serves to justify the means used to facilitate it. When this dynamic is acted out, it creates suffering for those caught in its wake…” Dan Mager [1]
“True union . . . doesn’t turn its respective participants into a blob, a drop dissolving into the ocean. Rather, it presses them mightily to become more and more themselves: to discover, trust, and fully inhabit their own depths. As these depths open, so does their capacity to love, to give-and-receive of themselves. . . .” Cynthia Bourgeault [2]
“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” Dalai Lama
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” —Lao Tzu
“Trying to control things / is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. / When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, / chances are that you’ll cut yourself.” Tao Te Ching verse 74
“There is a variety of gifts, but it is always the same Spirit. There are all sorts of service to be done, but always to the same Lord, working in all sorts of different ways in different people. It is the same God working in all of them” (1 Corinthians 12:4-6).
Footnotes
[1] Dan Mager MSW https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/some-assembly-required/201407/would-you-rather-be-right-or-would-you-rather-be-happy
[2] Cynthia Bourgeault https://cac.org/unity-in-differentiation-2018-11-09/
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